4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Randomize
