It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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