Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
operation have a gay friend backfired
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
