I wanna bring you to show and tell
You're completely useless in the revolution.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
