I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
