I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
