Just fell off a train. Bad.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
why is half of my head shaved?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
