turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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