So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Let's paint friendship bongs
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
