Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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