I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
