he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
