Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
