He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
