I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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