This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hippo gnu deer
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
FUCK WHALES
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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