Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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