I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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