Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
