You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
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guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
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My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap