I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
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I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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