Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
