i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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