Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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