cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
