A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
