That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
oh god was she eating orange peels again
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
