Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
