We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
