You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
