How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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