got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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