i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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