What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Randomize
