Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
