He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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