literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
