i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
