best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
