And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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