Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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