I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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