I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
