just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
