Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize