3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
