3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
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I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
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Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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