There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
