Welp...herpes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
