Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
