I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
