I'll bet she douches with gravy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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