so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
