fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
