I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
