I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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