I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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