cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
