Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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