I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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