Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
